Sometimes, honesty is hard. Sometimes, it’s really, really hard. I’ve been honest with you all along. I promise, every bit of uplifting and positive attitude has been real. It’s where I live. I’ve shared some of the tough times and thoughts that are part of this journey, but I don’t like to share all the hard times because I abhor the idea of being weak and whiny, or high maintenance; and I expect those times to be moments here and there, and then to get back to home base where I abide in God’s peace and love for me. However, this other part of my experience has been dragging on for a couple weeks, and creeping up even before that. I feel that it’s necessary for me to share what’s going on even though it’s not positive, and at the moment, I can’t even see a positive spin to put on it. I’m just not doing well. Maybe after I spill my guts I’ll have my equilibrium back and will see my way back to resting and hiding in God.
Some of the emotional upheaval I experience is part of the grieving process, but some of it is leftovers from My One Big Battle: Fear of Financial Ruin. That’s a horror movie to keep the crowds awake at night. I told you before that God has taken care of us and we have the basics paid for. This is true, but it’s getting harder and harder to meet those needs. In addition to rent and utilities and groceries, I realized that there’s a basic need in our society that I forgot about; transportation. We already lost my car, and we’re about to lose both Evan’s and Doug’s. We just haven’t had the money to make the payments. I know that God is taking care of us, and that he knows about the cars, but my battle is in my mind. Fear takes over where faith and trust had left doubt in the dust. The tables are flipped on me, and I’m the one who flipped them!
My frustration is not necessarily with our situation, although that is a small part of it. My frustration is from not having control of my thoughts, from not winning in this battle against fear. Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then I need more love. God has shown me his love over and over. I feel foolish coming to him yet again, needing more of his love to get past this. At some point, aren’t I supposed to grow up and just stop? Stop it. Stop being fearful about money. Doesn’t he deserve my trust? Hasn’t he proven himself? I don’t understand how I could get through everything I did last year and trust him through such frightening, unknown territory and such heart wrenching experiences almost daily, and trust him with everything, even up to the end. And yet…why this fear? Why this old enemy?
I realize that I’m only human and that everyone has something like this, and that it’s understandable considering what our financial situation has always been (we have been destitute and homeless.) I’m not beating myself up or expecting too much from myself. I just don’t want to pat myself on the back and say it’s okay and stay in this place. I want to bust past this and live the full life that God has for me! I want to be triumphant and victorious! I want free! And, I want to help free others. I am only frustrated because I know, without a doubt, that I can have this. I will live in freedom!
So, whew. This is me being honest. I make no excuses for myself.
I have a vacation coming up. Out of the blue and totally unexpectedly, a friend paid for my airfare for a 2-week trip, and other friends have opened their homes to give me a place to stay. This is a huge gift! This is something I need desperately and could not have dreamed of doing, but God used some wonderful people to bless me. I’m going back to my roots and I have a sense that God has something more planned for me than just a bit of R & R. I want to minister to the people I see throughout that trip. I want to bless others so much that they want me to come back over and over!
God is blessing me and carrying me. I won’t be able to conquer fear of financial ruin until I can look it in the face from the place of abiding in love and know it has not sway over me. I guess I don’t have a positive spin for this issue. All I have is honesty and the determination to keep fighting the habit of fear. I need your prayers if you can bring me to our Father in your own conversations with him. I wish I had a nice, neat ending for you, but this is the best I can do. I will not give up. I will not forget all that God has done for me. I will continue to look to him, even when I must drag my eyes off the problem every two minutes. I will continue to look up from fear and into the face of love.