God Is

God is vast–beyond the universe kind of vast. And yet, we make him so small–smaller than ourselves. People seem to think that God stands over us demanding we “get it right” before he’ll bestow his goodness and love. That just isn’t true. His love and his goodness are all around us, even within us, available to us at all times. Somehow, we miss it. We don’t know how to see or experience his presence as we were created to do.

 

I’ve mentioned before that I suffered from depression for most of my life, desperately wanting to be free; and I’ve shared that after many years of seeking freedom and a long, heart-wrenching process, when I was finally delivered and healed, I experienced a freedom I never imagined could be mine. But here’s the thing. God didn’t just bring freedom to me; he became freedom in me.

 

Then again, when I was in the middle of overwhelming circumstances, God overwhelmed me with his peace. I experienced that peace from within and all around me. He didn’t just give peace to me; he became peace in me. Peace that passes understanding isn’t just peace that you’re surprised you have in the middle of difficulty; it’s a peace that overwhelms to the point that it literally cannot be comprehended. It was the same when he showed me his love. It wasn’t a gift he handed me. It was part of himself he helped me to experience. He became an inexplicable love within me. Only as I began to perceive in my heart the depths of his love for me could I heal and become free. It took years to take in what he always had been, right there within me.

 

When I was facing the loss of my husband to a terrible form of cancer, the Holy Spirit came in and filled his hospital room. My heart and soul were filled with joy. Yes, joy! It was a joy that changed my outlook and mindset permanently, because he became joy within me. It helped me face watching the devastating effects of cancer on my husband’s body and mind day after day. It helped me walk with my children through their fear and disillusionment. It has continued to confirm my freedom from depression. It’s not an emotion. It’s who God is within me. It’s my state of being, as long as I keep myself in him. (I wish I could say I’ve never shifted off course, but I have. When I remember to look in his face and abide in him, I get back on track and feel like myself again. Sometimes that takes longer than I care to admit!)

 

I had to experience these things—freedom, peace, love, and joy—within me, not as things that happen to me or emotions that come and go, so that I could grasp that he is freedom, peace, love, joy, and so much more! When it finally clicked in my mind and heart that these different aspects must fill me up from the inside, he simultaneously nudged me into a completely new and infinitely deeper realization of the meaning of words I had heard my whole life; “God is love.” And not only that, but he is freedom, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness…

 

It is an ever so slightly different emphasis, but we must absorb the spiritual reality deep in our hearts that he actually is all of this. There is not joy or peace in the world that is not him. He rains on the righteous and the unrighteous. This world is still his creation—he could not have created it without permeating it with what he is. He loves because he is love, thus he loves all of the humans filling the planet as his dearly cherished children, whether we are lost or found. He can’t help it because it is what he is! The fruit of the spirit is him!

 

I don’t know if I’m getting across the revelation that I received. I pray that these words bring life to someone. As I said, I had heard the words my whole life, but suddenly they made sense, suddenly it was real. It’s a life-changing recognition that will never abandon. Even now, receiving who he is into my very heart, I still haven’t scratched the surface. He is so much bigger and better than it is possible to comprehend. We forget that. We reduce him to our understanding. Instead, we need to comprehend him with our hearts. The more I receive these revelations, the more awe-struck I am at how little I know of him.

 

If you are reading this and you’re thinking with a yawn, “Been there, done that,” then no, you have not. I’m not an emotional church lady. Passionate, yes. But only because of this great God whom I know oh, so differently today than I did fifteen years ago. There is nothing blasé or nonchalant about God, and once you experience him to your depths and you get what he is, and that he is that in you… my friend, you will never be the same, and your spirit will jump within you when you hear another’s testimony of the goodness and greatness of God.

 

I get to take all of this with me as I walk into the next seasons of my life. Running after the dreams God has put in me, caring and walking alongside family and loved ones… Whatever I face ahead, I have the Spirit of the Living God in me, growing ever bigger and more wonderful. It makes me excited for what’s coming next.

 
How about you? How has God shown himself in and to you?

 

 

 

Expect Something Different

“Expect something different.” I wrote that at the top of a page in my junk-drawer-journal; that spiral bound thing that has menus, budget figuring, floor plan ideas, shopping lists, thoughts and study notes, and scribbles from Eowynn. Every time I’m flipping through looking for a recipe idea or some random note and I see those words, “Expect something different,” it grips my soul. It hit me today; this is a vital piece in my journey to Believe! (I realize this may have been obvious, but that’s just how far I have to go!)

This is where believing in theory becomes a mindset change. Expectation is what mindsets are made of. I believe in my head that God loves me, but if my experience doesn’t lead me to expect that love, it is in theory only that I believe. When I expect his love, I’ve made a paradigm shift and my mindset is now set in the truth.

I’ve been asking God to change my mind, because let’s face it, grabbing hold of a truth in head-knowledge doesn’t mean our minds instantly apply that truth to our lives. It doesn’t become our own until it changes us. In his kindness and love, God is answering my prayer for a mindset change by setting my life in the direction. At the beginning of the year, he tells me it’s time to move from Freedom into Believe, and he’s done more than I can write about to inch my sluggish heart along this journey. At some point in the past months, he whispered a message, “Expect something different.” It’s taken me seeing it repeatedly for weeks to get it. Expect something different! Really expect it!

Those aren’t just nice words that look good with a background picture of a mountain and river. That is Truth! Expect it! I have had frustration and struggle trying to change my life. It’s not even a subconscious thing that I feel I’ll never change and that my circumstance will never improve. I’m conscious of the thoughts. I try to choose to believe, but I haven’t won that battle yet, so I can’t pick up the arrow.

I have huge dreams for my future. They are impossible without God’s intervention in my life. I know he gave these dreams to me. It’s a dream I had as a child, but it’s only now taken shape as something to reach for. I’ve never felt so sure or wanted something so badly as I do now. There are some pretty big obstacles, but the biggest is myself.

I don’t have the mindset to walk in the reality of the dream.

If I had that dream handed to me right now, I would be crushed under the weight of it because of my mindset. My mindset expects the dream will fall apart for no reason. My mindset expects that I will have no favor with people I need to partner with. My mindset expects that whatever I do, I’ll never receive the kind of financial compensation to live successfully as a normal adult. My mindset expects that I won’t be able to communicate what God has put on my heart. My mindset expects that this dream will be like all dreams before; a cloud that is nothing but a vapor that gets blown away with the wind.

My mindset needs to expect something different!

God in his infinite wisdom, whispers a tiny seed of a thought into my heart. It’s finally grown to the point that I can see the seedling peeking its first little leaf above the soil. This morning was the first time I heard the words, “Expect something different,” and realized, I need to do this for real! I may not have the faith or strength of mind yet to believe for a specific different thing, but I’m on the lookout for something, anything different. This is how I’m going to change my mindset and truly believe. I’m glad I have the right idea, now I want it to change my world.

Today, and tomorrow, and the next day, I will believe.

I will Expect Something Different.

Can You Believe This Freedom?!

“God said it and now he’s doing it. It’s no afterthought; he’s always known he would do this.” Acts 15:18

This is too perfect to not share on Independence Day. That’s what the Apostle James said to the group of church leaders when they were making a pivotal decision about Gentiles and salvation; about our freedom. What were they to do with all these non-Jews who were coming to believe? The Pharisees who were now believers were still stuck to the old, hard-line, Pharisaical belief that the law of Moses must be followed; in order for the foreign converts to be saved, they must be circumcised. That should tell us something, right there. They were Pharisees, they were saved by belief in Jesus and his sacrifice and resurrection, they were filled with the Holy Spirit, yet they could not separate the Law from the Spirit. The arguments went on and on, back and forth, getting more and more heated.

Then, Peter took the floor. He didn’t bring opinion or theological points to win a debate. He reminded them of the work of the Holy Spirit outside their laws.

“Friends, you well know that from early on God made it quite plain that he wanted the pagans to hear the Message of this good news and embrace it—and not in any secondhand or roundabout way, but firsthand, straight from my mouth. And God, who can’t be fooled by any pretense on our part but always knows a person’s thoughts, gave them the Holy Spirit exactly as he gave him to us. He treated the outsiders exactly as he treated us, beginning at the very center of who they were and working from that center outward, cleaning up their lives as they trusted and believed him.

“So why are you now trying to out-god God, loading these new believers down with rules that crushed our ancestors and crushed us, too? Don’t we believe that we are saved because the Master Jesus amazingly and out of sheer generosity moved to save us just as he did those from beyond our nation? So what are we arguing about?”

There was dead silence. No one said a word. With the room quiet, Barnabas and Paul reported matter-of-factly on the miracles and wonders God had done among the other nations through their ministry. The silence deepened; you could hear a pin drop.
(Acts 15:7-12 MSG)

Then James broke the silence, reminding them of Peter’s experience when God spoke to him through the vision of the unclean creatures, telling him to kill and eat; something no good Jew would consider doing. God repeated the vision four times and Peter repeated his “No way!” four times. God concluded with, “Don’t call unclean what I have called clean. There are men coming to your door. Go with them.” And Peter was led to his first experience walking into a Gentile’s home. As he crossed that threshold into the home of Cornelius, his spiritual eyes were opened, he understood, and the door to my salvation and yours was opened. At that time, the Jews believed this gospel of salvation through Christ was for Israel alone. It took a vision repeated four times and a specific word from the Lord God of Israel to open that door to the rest of us. This had always been his plan.

Thank God the Apostles and leaders listened to the Holy Spirit and brought wisdom to chaos. It says they were all in agreement, including those Pharisees who were arguing vehemently for circumcision and the Law.

“God said it and now he’s doing it. It’s no afterthought; he’s always known he would do this… We should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God.”

God planned for our ultimate independence from the beginning! He said it, and he did it. He always knew he would do it. The work, the patience he exercised toward man for millennia to bring about our independence; this freedom that we needed, that we all need today, no matter what country we live in.

Two hundred years ago our forefathers fought for our freedom as a country. Two thousand years ago, Jesus died for our ultimate freedom, but long before that, God was planning it.

The freedom that he fought for in my life, that he fights for in yours, was always his plan. We are meant to be free. We are meant to share this freedom and not make it difficult for those coming to Christ. That was his plan. It’s freedom from bondage and slavery, from sin and shame, from heavy burdens; but it’s also freedom to. Freedom to be and to do that which we are able. Freedom to follow the Holy Spirit, because that is an amazing adventure! That was always his plan!

God said it. He is doing it. It’s no afterthought.

He’s always known he would do this.

Father’s Day

Yesterday was Father’s Day. It’s a hard day for me now, so to tame the struggle, I want to honor three fathers; my dad, my husband, and my son. My dad showed me many things—honesty, integrity, devotion to family—but most important to me, running like a golden ribbon through my life, is to worship and love God at home, when no one else was around. I would see him reading his Bible at any time of the day. It wasn’t a chore or a duty. He studied it because he loved to. I would often wake up on a Saturday to the sound of him singing worship songs and playing his autoharp. I loved that most of all. One of my deepest convictions is that to truly worship and love God, we can’t save it for when we walk into a building and gather with others. If it’s in our hearts, it has to be watered and nurtured in the privacy of our one-on-one relationship with God. What we bring to the group is from the storehouse in our hearts. If our storehouses is full, when we do gather with our brothers and sisters, we have a depth and richness to give together to God and to shower on one another. I didn’t realize growing up that Dad was instilling that in me. He just did it, and it became a part of me and my relationship with God. Thank you, Dad, for planting the seed.

My husband was an amazing father. Doug loved nothing in life more than his kids and me. He believed fully that every one of us could do and be anything. We were hit by crisis and hardship consistently, but he never gave up. He showed us how to fight through until we beat whatever was coming against us. Although there was nothing in his childhood to tell him that God was real, much less good, his seemed to always have the ability to push through with that thought in mind. He could propel others forward with his firm belief that God was good and that he was always on our side, ready to help us succeed. I can’t let myself think of what he would have been like as a grandfather. For something we never got to see, the pictures in my mind are vivid. I don’t conjure them up, it’s just who he was. He loved his kids, and we talked about how wonderful it would be to have grandkids some day. I can’t let myself stay there for long. He left a crater behind, and nothing about it makes sense sometimes.

And then there’s my son. I cannot express how very proud I am of the father Ethan is. He is everything to his little girl. The adoration Eowynn has for her daddy is beautiful to see. He brings the entirety of his strong, intelligent, sweet, goofy, always-active personality into who he is as a father, and he loves his little one with everything he is. You can see a lot of him in her, too. It’s obvious that she has a troop of guardian angels hovering around her, and she begins chatting from the moment her eyes open in the morning. He is both blessed as a daddy and a blessing as a father. I see him take the lessons his dad taught him and integrate them into who he is as a man and father. I know his dad would be so very proud of how far he’s come and what kind of a father he is. More than the unrealized dreams I shared with Doug, my kids missing out on his love and encouragement in their lives hurts my heart. I can feel from my depths how proud Doug would be. Ethan has always been an overflowing fountain of energy and personality, and he’s not letting any of it go to waste in tackling life. I have a feeling in my heart as I watch him; it is a mix of honor and contentment. I know that even without his dad here to lean on, he is doing exceptionally well, and he will figure life out as it comes. He won’t give up, and he will fight until he wins. He will make us all proud.

This falls short of what I want to say. Somehow, the things I have the deepest and broadest emotions about, I find the least suitable words to express. I love these men. I hope they understand how much.

Adventures in Believing

A lot has happened in these two months, but most involved other people’s stories that I don’t feel free to share. I’ve been privileged to share God with people, and show the love of Christ in a boldness and confidence I’m accepting as part of this new journey, part of the me that I’m becoming. I can’t see the “after pic” or where I’ll end up.  Where I’m going doesn’t show on my map.

Something quite new is working on my first message/sermon, and it’s been difficult. I love writing, but I haven’t done any public speaking in so many years, that I can’t even remember. I desperately want to share what’s on my heart, what God has given me victory in and authority over. I’m so excited, but I keep starting and scrapping each draft. Just recently, I finally got on a track that is flowing and the words are falling into place.

Every song and teaching I hear point me in the same direction and build lesson upon lesson. I know I am due for some soaking time with God. I need to let all that learning soak into my heart and soul. I need that quiet time with God to just rest and abide in his presence. Do you have a radar that tells you you’re running low and you need to get back in? I’ve been playing it safe, staying on my map in wonderful, new, but still familiar territory.

One thing God has been impressing on me lately has clicked into a complete, understandable thought just last week is that I will not survive the future he has for me if I do not abide in him and live from a lifestyle of abiding. I can’t jump into his presence when the need arises. I mean, I can continue to live that way, but not if I want to reach my dreams and the fullness of his promises to me. I’ll need to start full, because I’m not going to be able to plan for those opportunities; they’ll fall on me when I’m not looking. Living from that place of abiding is part of  my dream life, but now it’s time to take that seriously. No more dabbling. Time to make the move. I spend lots of time studying and praying; lots and lots of time! But now, it’s time to turn off the outside distractions, the words from my own mind, and just dwell in his spirit and let him do the talking.

I’m ready to walk off my map.

Believing in Freedom

I’m continuing on this journey with Believe as my companion. It’s a blast! I think any time we know we’re learning and growing, we have the opportunity to rest in Joy. I’ve had some weird and disturbing things happen, not big things, but just…unsettling. I’ve put them in my saddlebag and continued forward. I’ll get them out later when I make camp for longer than a night.

I know I say “God showed me” a lot, but honestly, I feel dishonest and arrogant saying that I “realized” something if it came to me when God and I were talking. Maybe I’m overly sensitive to it, but if I learn something in a conversation with a friend, I try to acknowledge that when telling someone else about it. Anyway, that’s the explanation as to why you will see me say God showed me things. Because, he does.

Also, for my grammarians and punctuation/capitalization/spelling experts; beware. I am capitalizing specific not-usually-capitalized words for emphasis because they feel like proper nouns to me when used as I am using them. We may now continue!

God showed me something awesome and mindset-changing about my years of seeking Freedom. Remember, my first blog of 2019 was about God telling me that after close to twenty years, my word had changed from Freedom to Believe. I was so relieved. I thought the blessing was being free of the heartache of once again learning that I was not yet free. It is so much more than that! I should have known—God will never take us through something to have the only benefit be relief when it is over!

I didn’t go through those years just sitting around waiting for the gate to freedom to magically open so I could skip on through. I fought emotional, mental, and spiritual battles, day after day and year after year. I was exercising my heart, mind, and spirit as I fought for freedom from depression, fear, rejection, anger, financial crisis and other chronic imprisonment. I was becoming an authority on the subject of freedom. I was learning how to walk, climb, run, jump, and fight dressed in full armor while carrying a sword and shield. I didn’t just endure. I came out the other side a freaking beast! For every year that Freedom was my goal, I was in on-the-job training. What were your extended struggles? You have to know that those are your areas of victory for the purpose of authority.

What is the purpose of authority in God’s Kingdom? It’s not to just have it. My authority in Freedom is to fight for the Freedom of others. If Freedom were just for myself, I wouldn’t need authority. Instead, I have the authority of a warrior rising up within me on behalf of those I see still captive. Are you a victor over addiction or hate or anxiety? Whatever it is, you have authority to break other captives free! When God showed me this, it caused my whole being to jump. No matter how big the battle you may be facing, God is bigger. We have no idea how big he is!

 

I’m not laying down the old burden of a prisoner. I’m picking up every stripe and rocker of rank I’ve trained and fought for. I’m not questioning God’s leading any more. No more second-guessing. I’m suited up and ready and I’m already on the move. Who’s with me? There are others whom God has moved into position, and we’re running in synch even before we know one another.  Are you one of the new warriors?

Believing in Words Fulfilled

Back in 1994 or thereabouts, I received a prophecy that set me on a course to becoming a different person. Strike that. It set me on a course to becoming the person God created, the person I truly am. In the prophecy was a small part as far as word count goes, not the complete thought behind the words, but with huge implications and confirmation of my dreams. It has come to mind over the past twenty-plus years, bringing both questions and redirections, and it’s been coming up frequently since this “Believe” adventure began.

The prophet said some specific things about words and speaking, then said, “…and out of your belly shall flow rivers of living water; and people will come and drink at your well and be satisfied at the life that is given.”

Wow, right? What an immense gift! However, when that word was given, I was both excited and terrified. Terrified because that was not how I saw the words that came out of my mouth. My mother had warned me growing up how sharp my tongue could be and how a sharp tongue cut people. As an adult, sometimes careless with my words, sometimes totally oblivious, I hurt those around me. I was not a fount of life that filled people up. After receiving that prophetic word, I tried to do better. I watched my tongue more closely, I paid more attention to how my words affected others. Still, I could not see how I would ever overflow with life for people to drink in.

Isn’t it beautiful that we aren’t the ones who create deep change in ourselves? My desire to live out that prophecy worked hand-in-hand with God’s plan to bring it to the surface. It’s who I was created to be. I had a sharp tongue as a child because I was created to speak with impact, but I was childish, and what was meant to be my strength had gone astray. Through the years, it was God who tempered and transformed my heart, changing what comes out of my mouth.

“…out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45b

The abundance of my heart has become an overwhelming love of God—first from him, then for him, a peace I can’t explain, and a joy so intense it carried me through the year of losing Doug. I truly cannot adequately describe any of it because it’s all the work that God has done in me. My efforts were necessary. They weren’t about performance, they were my agreement that I wanted this change. And isn’t it beautiful that our meager expectations and humble efforts are always overwhelmed by the great things God intends?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a vision of myself in ministry, speaking to large crowds. There have been speakers that I respect and who inspire me, and I think, “I want to do that, but with the message God is giving me.” I desperately want to reach thousands, even millions, with the freedom and life that I have been so blessed to receive.

Today, I’m looking at twenty-five years of anticipation and work, and I am finally seeing that fulfillment of my God-given dreams is not on a far horizon. It’s looming right before me. God has set up what can’t be called anything less than divine appointments all crammed into three days, all unrelated and not something I was looking for. He’s accelerated the pace. I feel as though I’ve had a hidden ability as I sit on the sidelines, game after game, year after year, encouraging and helping patch up my teammates as they come in beaten and bruised; and finally my training and preparation are required on the field. My mind is blown, and my heart is excitedly gaining momentum for this adventure to blow wide open!

Wherever you are on your journey, know that God is completing his perfect work in you. In God’s hands, horizons become one step forward.

Breaking Old Beliefs

For the last couple years, I’ve been asking God to change my mindset about money. I could see that I have a habit of anxiety that is not in synch with my experienced reality; and my mindset was indeed changing my experience. I am not able to enjoy financial successes because my mindset is stuck in crisis. I can see the successes, but my belief stays in agreement that I cannot change my level of poverty or wealth. I may not be homeless today, but I could be in a week.

A couple months ago God told me to stop praying about my finances. If that sounds weird or unbiblical, just wait. I lived in financial crisis for more than thirty years. I learned to pray fervently out of desperation and fear. That’s not how we’re supposed to pray, and it’s not how I want to live. Constant money crisis is no longer my daily life. I have more financial stability than I’ve ever experienced, even though I’m not completely independent. Where I lack freedom is in my deep-rooted belief about money as it relates to me. I still pray as if I’m about to be evicted or that I have no food and no food stamps. The anxiety, fear, and desperation are still there.

So, God told me to stop praying about my finances altogether and trust him. I did for a while, and then I forgot what he’d told me and started praying those desperate prayers again. This probably went on for a month, and then he reminded me about it yesterday. I was listening to a teaching about prayer. Here is a quick summary of a very small piece of the whole, but it’s the part that specifically applies to God’s direction to stop praying about my finances.

Matthew 6:7,8

⁷ And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸ Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. (Emphasis mine)

This is followed immediately by the Lord’s prayer, in which we’re shown to ask for our daily bread. Bring your daily needs to him, then leave them. Don’t keep babbling. More words won’t make him suddenly realize you really need to pay your rent. Basically, calm down! He knows what you need before you ask it.

At the end of the chapter he tells us repeatedly to not worry and to trust God completely for our needs; to trust God so completely that we seek his kingdom rather than fulfilment of our needs. Seek his kingdom and his righteousness and all of those things—rent, food, clothing—and more will be ours.

My “fervent” prayer was simply a cover for my lack of faith and trust in my Father.

I don’t need breakthrough in my finances. I need breakthrough in what I believe. Bam! There it is! To break through my mindset, God is breaking my habit of desperation prayer. The next step in my journey to Believe is to stop praying about my finances. As I commit to this, I suddenly feel a weight lifting from my shoulders! Instead of desperation and lack of trust, I will bring gratitude, praise, worship, and the excitement and joy I have for this amazing journey. I love my life!

Believing for Boldness

This is from yesterday. If these little thoughts keep coming this frequently, I might collect them and then post once a week. I don’t know… could you share your thoughts on that, please? Once a week, or whenever the thoughts come?

God wasn’t kidding when he said Believe is his word for me this year. Every day as I drive to and from work, I talk to God or listen to teachings or worship music. It’s my favorite time of the day. This morning as I left home, I was talking to God about being bold. I want to be bolder with what he has given me, and he’s been showing me that my future requires a much bigger boldness from me if the dreams he’s put in my heart are ever to be reality. My belief internally is very solid and bold to the point of audaciousness. If I trust you, and you ask me about God, you will get an excited, bold answer, full of confidence from my experience. I can’t count the number of times people have told me I need to write a book about it and share it with everyone. But…I am not as open in most settings where I know I should be. I shouldn’t worry if they believe as I do. I have experiences and faith that others need and I’m robbing them by keeping quiet. My silence is dishonest.

I want the kind of boldness that reaches the world and I was talking to him about that this morning. I felt the kind of conviction that gives you courage. I wasn’t convicted of a crime, I was injected with confidence that I could see growing toward passion. God will give me boldness. It will happen.

Then, as I was leaving work, I realized something. It’s been at the back of my mind, but it finally came all the way forward into a complete thought. In my department, I am treated differently from how the rest of my coworkers treat one another. It’s not disrespectful or bad, just different. I thought maybe it’s because I’m the administrative assistant and they’re ministry coordinators, but I realized that’s not true. One of the others is the admin assistant that I job-share with. She’s treated with great respect and her opinion is sought. Granted, she’s been at the job for years before I joined, and she’s involved in a different area of administration from me. But she is treated as an equal. I feel like I’m the child in the group. I thought perhaps that’s because I’m new. Nope. One of our ministry coordinators is only months on the job. To be honest, I feel I need more help than the rest because while there is a newer member to our team, I’m years behind in the professional arena. While we’re all near the same age, they were in the professional world for the years that I was a stay-at-home mom. I do feel very inadequate to the job. It would help if they weren’t all so intelligent and sharp minded. These people are so capable and intellectual, and they’re confidant but not arrogant. It is a bit intimidating.

I was thinking these things through and posed the question, “Why do I stand out as different and not an equal part of the team?” And I got an immediate answer. It’s something we hear all the time, but it hit home in a light-bulb-revelation kind of way.

“You will be treated according to what you believe about yourself.”

Wow! I know this, but with the things God is stirring up in my heart, it hit me with a new certainty! I believe I don’t belong, that I’m less qualified, less suited, less capable, less intelligent… I believe I’m less.

Right on the heels of that, God drops another bomb.

“How can you be bold if you believe you are less?”

Wow! He pulled our morning conversation right into our afternoon conversation! (Luckily, I keep a box of tissue right by my arm rest.) I cannot perform belief. I can’t pretend to believe. Thankfully, if God shows us something that we can’t do, he has a plan to complete that thing in us.

What a way to start a year! What do I do with this?

My future requires boldness beyond my ability. I cannot be bold because I believe I am less. It does not rest on my becoming the best at my job or the best at being a friend or a mom, sister, or daughter. This is the kind of belief that comes from truly believing who God says I am. How am I known in heaven? What’s my reputation there? This is a part of the journey I am so freaking excited about! I have needed this shift in mindset my whole life.

Yes! I can’t wait!

Freedom to Believe

I discovered something about this move from “Freedom” to “Believe.” In continuing my reading of John, I came upon the phrase that everyone knows so well; “the truth shall make you free.” What made it stand out this time was what came before.

To the Jews who believed in him Jesus said:

‘If you make my word your home
you will indeed be my disciples,
you will learn the truth
and the truth will make you free’.
John 8:31-32

Through the years of seeking freedom, I changed so much. I’ve studied the Bible looking for answers, sometimes feverishly, but I also spent years listening to what God had to say. As his Word soaked into my spirit, it made the Bible come alive and make more sense. I got revelation, then the Bible confirmed it. Jesus—the word of God become flesh—became my home. I was learning the truth. It wasn’t just something I did, it’s who I became and continue to become. It took years, but that’s where my freedom came from.

I felt freedom fleshing out and becoming foundational for the last few years. As I go forward, I am walking out my freedom as the base for these next steps.

I can’t wait to share what I learn as I continue on my journey to Believe!