There is a gone-ness. We shared everything. We were one. It seems we must have shared a heart and lungs and countless other essential things, because everyday, ordinary parts of myself don’t seem to work right these days. I know he didn’t take all of my heart with him, because I can still feel the love I have for my kids and friends; indeed, I’m more aware of that love than ever before. And yet, it doesn’t feel quite right. There is a certain feeling of something, someone, some vital piece in the beating of my heart, just…gone.
I know I still have my lungs, because I breathe deeply and steadily when I rest in God and in the presence that I can feel enveloping me. It feels healthy and right. But I wonder if he’s taken a part of my lungs with him. I feel my breath taken away by a sudden memory, or seeing his eyes looking at me from a photo. Some section of my lungs, maybe that part closest to the heart, is gone.
My eyes. Our eyes? He showed me the world through his eyes. It was so different to how I saw experiences and people that at times it was like a revelation. Together we had a broad view, but as I walk through new doors and into a new journey, it feels like he took my peripheral vision with him. I see, but there are empty spots that were his part to see. Or, maybe I see just fine, but together we saw more. I miss his sight; his insight, his foresight. It’s gone.
And yet…and yet. He left much of himself with me. I see him in every single one of our kids. I see his touch on the lives of the countless young people he impacted. I see his smile and hear his laugh when I’m with our best friends. I feel his love for our family every day, holding my hand, still adding his love to mine. How he loved my mom and dad, my siblings. And how he teased my sister!
Maybe most of all I see and feel how I’ve changed and grown with him and because of him through the years. We loved our life together; the growth and new adventures in God; so much to experience hand-in-hand and side-by-side. He was rich; rich enough to leave a remarkable spiritual inheritance behind. Rich enough that my life is abundant.
I cannot escape the gone-ness. But at the end of the day, I am rich and full and content. Thank you, Honey. You gave me everything.