I paid the bills today. This process of being open and honest as I walk this journey is painful. I want to be strong all the time, and I know God is worthy of all my faith and trust, but I’m weak. I prefer to look at the growth and transformation in me, and it’s a beautiful life in God that I have, but I’m still weak. The area I struggle most to trust God with is our finances. That’s probably true for a lot of you. Here’s the thing, though. It’s been a year now since we had Doug’s work income, but the household bills have been covered each month. We have no savings left, but we also don’t have any more debt than when we started. The kids and I combine our income, people continue to give, and somehow, when I finally face the bills and bank accounts and pay everything, there’s still enough for groceries.
I am amazed by God every month, and yet as soon as I finish paying the second half of the month bills, I wonder how we’ll cover the rent in a week. I was doing better about this issue months ago, and the thing that’s interesting is that while the bills are still getting paid, I’ve become more fearful. I wonder if the Israelites ever worried that manna wouldn’t be on the ground when they woke up the next day.
Now, let’s move on to talk about the other part of being honest and open. Let’s be honest and open about how incredibly blessed we are; how good God is. As remarkable as it is that God is covering us financially each month, that is truly a small part of what he has done for our family. To have this solid knowledge that God is our everything; to know him in the way we do; to be completely abandoned to him and his work in our lives; these are the things that transform and amaze me. I see growth and change in my kids. We’re getting to know each other in new ways, and I am fully amazed by their maturity and their caring and loving hearts.
I’ll keep walking with you, being as true as I can. I hope I can bless you and maybe help someone along who’s struggling. I’ve been in some hard and dark places, struggled with deep depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I’m living proof that we don’t have to learn to be good little coping machines. We can be healed, and we can be free. God is the answer. I’ve known him my whole life, and yet, never before have I known him as I know him now. It makes all the difference in the world. Remembering that helps me lift my head from fear that our manna will disappear, and back to the heart and face of God. I promise, looking in his face makes you walk on top of what’s drowning you.