I’ve been in a painful dry spell. The pain is from being out of sync with God. I couldn’t feel in a tangible way his presence as I have for most of the last couple years. It doesn’t shake my foundations, it just hurts. It’s a homesickness for the place in his heart he has been settling me; a real home. How did I slip out of it? Distraction. When we live in alignment with God’s heart and mind, it’s easy to stay focused on him, which in turn keeps us in the flow which keeps us in alignment, and so it goes.
Whether from rejection or being treated with disrespect, or my own bad attitude in response to any of those things, or just letting everyday life take center stage; once my heart is distracted, sidetracked from its focus on the face of God, or I look down to stare at my wounds, I get out of sync, out of flow. That flow gave me freedom from depression. It has carried me for the last two years. As life supplied rapids, God’s flow carried me through without upending my raft. Why would I ever want to be anywhere else?
Being accustomed to that home, that flow, it’s painful to find myself outside it. How do I get back home? The obvious answer is to quit being distracted and put my focus back where it belongs. Seek his face. But what does that look like? I’ve been praying to hear his voice again, feel his touch on my heart. –By the way, never, ever give up asking God to bring you closer to him! —I’ve learned that gratitude and sincere thankfulness are paramount to life. In licking at my wounds, I dropped it. So, I pick it back up as I ask for a change of heart and mind, to be more like him and to love as he loves, to feel his presence once again. God always answers. In little ways, with many strands creating a woven whole, he brings me back home.
It’s amazing to feel the presence of God. We usually think it’s something we get to experience periodically, but it doesn’t have to be. He is extravagant. He is intense, and he wants us to live in that knowledge, buoyed up in the flow of the river. He wants us to live there. That’s how he created us, that’s what we must have. Without it, we are incomplete. I’m learning to make it my normal. I’m learning that when I don’t feel it in a tangible way, the faith that he has built in me tells me to stand. Be patient. Stretching and strength training go hand-in-hand with winning.
Here’s the thing. As much as I may want to be in sync with God, he is far more intent on bringing me to himself. I cry out in the darkness—he’s already blasted the shadows with light. I pound against the wall I built around my wounds—he’s already kicked that wall down. I shrink from the lies that intimidate me—he’s already torn them down and lifted me to life. He gives himself away for me, gladly, freely, recklessly. I’m learning just how true it is that with all my efforts to find him, he’s the one carrying me home. I’m learning what this grace means. I’m learning what a beautiful thing his ferocious love is.
He has been so, so kind to me.
I am relieved that the dry spell is ending. I feel the current beginning to pick me up once again and carry me on its way. I am excited to see where we shall go.